Look who's talkin' - Titus and Baby Talk!

I know I need to update this more. I am sorry. Stop calling me and emailing me telling me that you are going through literal withdrawals. I maintain that it is impossible to be addicted to a blog.

This update is not about a milestone or something new, per se, but just an update about how cute and awesome my son, Titus Jaymes, is. This video below is kinda long, but it makes me smile every time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqD0ykYX9-0 (Might be Loud... sorry!).

Language is so important to a society and individual. In my major, Sociology, there is a school of thought called structuralism. This philosophy believes that language is one of the key shapers of socialization. That our words and symbols in and through social interaction, entertainment, art etc. all shape and create humanity; our human being-ness. Whether it is true or not, it is an interesting thought. That my words could make or break him. That I could create walls where none exist or open up vaults that were previously thought uncrackable.


The Christian tradition has a lot to say about the word. Scripture is regarded as the Word of God. God spoke creation into existence. Jesus personified that creating word by having the title of Word of God. God's word is seen as life sustaining, life giving and able to impart eternal life. Scripture says that the tongue is a small part of the body with great power. It compares it to the rudder on a ship, though small in nature, it steers the whole ship. Jesus famously said, "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" which is both a curse and a promise.

Proverbs 18 boldly says, "The tongue has the power of life and death..." Titus Jaymes Lackey, may you always use yours for life. Though I am assured that you won't, may you always be quick with an apology and to make things right. May I be the best example you. May I speak only words that encourage you and strengthen you, that embolden you to live servants life. May Paul's words to the Ephesians be true of you, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." May I speak walls into the places for where I shouldn't have been and may I break every stronghold for you that has held me back.

Titus goes to the Lake!

This blog has always been about my little buddy Titus. It could be about a story I remember from his birth or a milestone or just something awesome. This one is just documenting a first.

Titus is having so many firsts. Everyday something amazing is happening to him. He is my little explorer trying new things all the time. And he is so cool about it all. I mean, seriously he is just so chill about everything. He only cries when he is tired or hungry. The only things that scare him, besides loud noises in general, are applause, plastics bags and the lawn mower, otherwise he is good.

This particular episode is about his first trip to our local lake. Lake Oroville is such an awesome thing in our neck of the woods (especially since a highlight of our town is that we have not one but two Taco Bells... BOOYAH!). The lake is man-made with a huge dam. I am talking like the biggest dam in the US. Our dam is like 45 feet taller than Hoover. It is the 23rd largest dam in the World. Not too bad for a little town whose biggest recent news is that they just got their first Denny's and Applebee's.

My grandfather, Titus's great-grandfather, Herman Lackey moved here with my grandmother, Joan Lackey (Wilma) and two young children (My Dad and Uncle) to work on the dam. My grandfather said he did a number of things but mostly blasting with dynamite. I once asked him how he got that job, assuming that he would have to have some prior experience or schooling. He said that he just showed up on the job and they put him to work. He said he was blasting into the sides of mountains on the first day! WHAT!?!?! "Here son, you have all your fingers. There is a mountain, go blow it up!" Sounds about right. I have to go to school for 7-8 years earning my bachelor's and Master's to be an ordained minister in a local church and he gets to blow up the earth with little more than waking up and making it to work on time. And they tell me my generation is lazy.

This dam and lake are a staple in our local community and this video is about Titus's first trip into its murky, refreshing waters! We went with our youth group.

P. S. look out for Titus's new Roar. We have been calling it the dinosaur roar even though he doesn't know what dinosaurs or roars are. He is just too awesome.

P. S. S. here is a link to the same video above only better quality on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6dW2dDmBH8 &&& today is Titus's 5 Month Birthday!!!!

He's got the whole wide world in his hands...

Holding Dad's finger!

...well, at least teething rings, hair, clothes on the rack at the store, his own mouth and the eventual throw up. He seems to be grabbing everything. He is like the hamburglar if hamburgers were everything.

And he grabs with great intensity. He focuses on his object almost to the point of going cross-eyed. Sometimes his head shakes in the focus process, kind of like he just got dizzy. Then he reaches out with both hands so wide, almost as if he is sneaking up on it. It's ok though, all good things come from great struggles.

I mean, this is a revolution. He is changing and will never be the same again. He is becoming aware of himself. The appendages that used to flail around and hit him in the face when he was falling asleep, only to wake himself up, now can be beneficial.

It is like a brain grenade because it is blowing my mind. I am seeing the Copernican revolution & Kantian revelation all in one glance. "In the beginning when God created^* the heavens and the earth, ²the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from God^* swept over the face of the waters. ³Then God said, ‘Let there be light’; and there was light." I am seeing darkness turn to light. I am seeing void being transformed into substance.

In all seriousness, this is amazing. I am witnessing another human being become more and more self-aware over the course of days and weeks. What an incredible blessing that not only do I get to witness it, but be apart of it as well. Being able to fellowship in it with my son as his father is such a huge thing.

I hope he uses his hands for good. I pray that he realizes the fantastic potential he has to craft, craft this world for the better. I pray that his hands reach, reach out to the least of these, the downtrodden, the sick, the hurting and the hopeless and help them. I pray that his hands mold the fabric of society for the better by his own witness and example. I pray that his hands create beauty and peace wherever he is. And may I be the best example to him in all these ways.

"Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. 

You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high.

Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, only a day for a man to humble himself? 

Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed and for lying on sackcloth and ashes? 

Is that what you call a fast, a day acceptable to the LORD

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to LOOSE the chains of injustice
 and UNTIE the cords of the yoke, to SET the oppressed free and BREAK every yoke?

 Is it not to SHARE your food with the hungry and to PROVIDE the poor wanderer with shelter,

when you see the naked, to CLOTHE him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; 

then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. 

"If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and SATISFY the needs of the oppressed, 

then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land 

and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, 

like a spring whose waters never fail.

    

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations;
 you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. 

~The mouth of the LORD has spoken" (Isaiah 58).

 ^4"

4 Month Doctor Visit! (And two month visit recap).

At two months, Titus, Erin and I went to the Pediatrician for his check up. The check up uncovered some things that were great, upsetting and revealing.

First, that Titus was totally healthy. He was good to go. He was thriving. All my prayers had been answered with this one.

The upsetting thing, to me, was that he was in the 25th percentile of height and weight for his age (10lbs 11oz and 22" long). To my knowledge, this means that 75% of healthy babies were bigger than he was. The Doctor assured me that small babies don't necessarily turn out to be small adults and that his height and weight matched so there was no malnourishment going on; just small. Here is why this was upsetting to me. First, his name is 'Titus.' That is a big name to live up to. It is huge. I am afraid that he will be dwarfed by his name. That he will live in the shadow of it like the other Baldwin brothers do Alec. But most importantly, I want his future to be open. I am a sociology major. I know the power of roles and perceptions and the looking glass self and stigma etc. I know the way appearances lock us in and bind us. I know how harsh children can be. Plus, with a dad like me, he is going to need all the chances he can get. So I want Titus to have choices. I want him to be big enough to play sports if he wants but also free enough to choose to be a nerd if he wants. Neither of these should be forced on him. I have no idea if that makes sense to anyone but myself but there it is. (What I secretly hope is that he chooses to be a nerd, bookish, poetic, musician, romantic, intellectual type because let's be honest this persona comes with enough hardship to create humility, enough passion to be effective in important things and enough confidence in the mind to be interesting and successful. Not that I am judging anyone else or their kids, this is just what I desire for myself and family. I mean, being a band kid meant social disenfranchisement but what awesome kids most of us are, to me).

The most revealing part of this 2 month visit was the shots part. Titus needed two shots. I was so concerned because Erin and I talked before hand and I thought I was going to have to be the strong one seeing our one and only son get poked by needles until he screamed. I imagined my wife needing to be restrained as she would be distraught with empathy and sadness over her baby boy getting stabbed,  completely forgetting the fact the she works at the hospital and sees people's insides all the time in surgery, and that I was the one with the over reacting empathy and queasy stomach As we geared up for the shots, I thought mom should take a back seat and I would let Titus hold my hand. The first shot went in. He squeezed my index finger as he looked up, staring off into nowhere, with his concerned face like, "What was that very unpleasant feeling in my thigh? I hope that doesn't happen again" (although he didn't know any of those words, I am a dad and can read those kind of things). Erin and I were relieved, he seemed more angry and puzzled then upset. But then the second one. They stuck it in and he went off like an alarm clock, only this alarm clock broke my heart into a million pieces. I knew he needed the shots. But I was the one who teared up. I was the one who almost lost it. I scooped him up and we both cried. I much more subdues and teary eyed, he screaming at the top of his lungs. Mom was shaken up, but much stronger than both of us. She held it together and comforted both of us. It was from then on I realized that I was hooked. I was in love with this crying, bald little man. He had my heart.

The screaming stopped only momentarily. We came home after visiting Great Grandma Judie and Titus woke up from his nap screaming bloody murder. We couldn't sooth him. We tried everything from warm compresses to considering medicine. But since he was so young and he winced/ cried at the touch, we were forced to try our sure fire back up; the bath. He loves the bath and it calms him right down. The bath calmed him long enough for us to look on the internet for a solution (how did parents do this before computers?) and most the answers were basically to hold him and let him cry it out. We gave him a bottle, his other favorite, and he fell asleep. His is the frantic facebook message I shot out to my friends with kids:

"Titus just got his first shots (2 month) and he cried some after the shot (understandably)... He took a half hour nap after getting home and being fine. When he woke up he started screaming inconsolably (no food, pacifier, or rocking). He slept again through our dinner and then woke up screaming again. We bathed him and he cried through the bath (uncharacteristic) but calmed down. We bottle fed him (his go-to soother). He is now sleeping.

He has no fever and I have internet researched this and people say it is normal.

I am wondering if this happened to you and what did you do? Have any of you given your two month old Tylenol or Motrin? Any advice? ...

At the very least, be praying for us!"

By the time people responded, he was all better. The next day it was like none of it ever happened.

By now you're saying, "But this blog is entitled '4 Month Doctor Visit!' where is the 4 month stuff?" If you thought that, then just close your browser window and leave. Just go. I have had enough of your second guessing... I am sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. You can stay.

Well... anyway, today we had our 4 month appointment. We had 5 things on our mind. (1) His head seemed to be flattening out in the back now that he is moving it more. (2) He has a slight rash that keeps appearing in the man region. (3) Should we be giving him some water since it has been so hot and all the 'wisdom' we keep getting from the older generation points that way? (4)The SHOTS!!!! (5) His percentile of weight and height. 1-3 were answered very quickly without much discussion. But 5 came up. Titus is huge now. For height, he is in the 50th percentile (25.25") which I assume is about average. His weight is 15lbs 10oz putting him in the 75th percentile; translation "big." You think I would be happy, right? Wrong. Now I am concerned we packed on too much weight to which my wife replies, "Is there any weight you will be happy with?"  Sure, but I just want to be cautious about weight gain for the same reasons I don't want him too small. Not that I am some body-image-conscious jerk, it is just that I want to be doing the right thing and have no idea whether I am or not. Surely I will love him just as he is until my dying breath. Doc said he will burn some off when he starts to crawl and that we should stop feeding him just to soothe him.

But then the SHOTS!!! By four months, some doctors say it is ok to give babies some medicine a half hour before shots to ease the shock and pain. I don't know how I feel about all that yet, both ethically and for his physical health, but last time was still fresh in my mind. I had gotten some that day and we gave it to him in the parking lot so that no one would see us doing it. We had hoped that it would minimize the effect for our beloved son. I was relieved to see only two shots but still... two. The first one went easy. He didn't even scrunch up his face to which the nurse replied, "Yeah, most babies do fine with this one." Hey nurse lady, my son just got a shot and didn't cry. But thanks for throwing a big wet towel on the parade. She then proceeded, "It's this next one they don't really like so much..." First of all, these needles are huge. Like index finger size... well... maybe not that big, but huge. And secondly, they push it all the way into the thigh. And these things are long. Like 60th percentile in height if there were such a thing in the needle world. And they really do go all the way in. So, on the second needle stick, he bellowed. He cried like a baby. I scooped him up and shed my tear with him. But we were much better this time. The hardest part was that by 4 months he had a more developed tear duct system than at 2 months. Either way, we knew this was the best. Then the nurse said, "You don't have to leave right away if you want to nurse him." He wasn't hungry nor did he need to be nursed, but we knew it would make him feel better so we stayed to make him feel better. And that is why he is in the 75th percentile in weight and will probably develop some weird mother/ food/ comfort habits. But until then, I consider it a pretty successful trip.

It is 3:30 am the next morning and he has been fine. A little fussier last night, but all in all no screaming or sensitivity to the touch. I love my little buddy. He is a blast.

Titus... walking!?!?

Titus is getting so big so fast that I feel at odds with the story telling. I want to continue chronologically but I fear I will miss too many developments happening now. It is kinda of like when I watched "8 Mile" and desired so intently to battle rap somebody but also knew very well that I can't rap. So I did nothing. So, from now on, I will be going out of order but keeping the posts coming.

Below is a video of Titus. He is in his walker and he has just learned to take a few steps. Some of his other hobbies are highlighted as well. He loves ceiling fans. Kind of like an adult mobile if you will. He stares longingly at his yellow bear on the walker. One time, in frustration from being in the walker too long, he hit his bear (I think it was by accident: a flailing of the arms in anger of sorts but mom thinks he might need anger management).

But most importantly and excitedly, you will see how much he is 'talking.' He loves to talk. He sings and talks and yells and tries to be funny. I mean, he is not telling jokes, but you can totally tell when he is being lighthearted and silly. He is very high pitched. But we think his normal voice is a bit lower. I think he will walk and talk early for a boy, but then again every parent probably thinks their child is special. He is the apple of my eye and I love him immensely.

Hope you enjoy!

P. S. We think he has been teething for a while as he is drooling and chewing on his hands and my hands and teething rings and blankets and just about anything that will fit. Still no teeth. Also, the anklet he has on is from family camp. Erin made one for each of us. They are precious to me!

Erin and I had just figured out we were pregnant and we in total shock with and exuberance of ecstasy. She showed me the pregnancy tests and we went out to dinner to celebrate (Francisco's - we always eat a Francisco's on the corner of Mitchell and Myers).

We had heard the folk wisdom that one should wait 3-4 months as this landmark signifies a reduced risk in the possibility of having a miscarriage. So after dinner, we immediately went and told Erin's Family (Mom, Dad and the girls). The next day we told my family. We told Matt (Matthew Manera). By the end of the week we had told a huge amount of people. It seems that everyone knew and we were only 6 weeks. We told select people in our church family and didn't announce it to the church body until 4 months, but other than that, it made its way around. Side-note: you ever notice that church people like to share secrets in the form of prayer request. If you ever want the church to know about something, ask the prayer team to pray for it.

Telling people is a hard. Not the actual news as much as the order. People think they are more important than they really are. There seems to be some familial hierarchy the people subscribe to even if they have no relationship with a couple. People would literally ask us, "do [so and so] already know?" Not that they were going to tell that person, they just wanted to be first. Very odd, but so it goes. If I were to do it all over again, I would tell only those extremely close to me and wait for everyone to notice the growing belly and ask. This would eliminate the feelings part (because we told no one) and reward those folks who we spend time with. This probably won't happen, but that would be cool

Although many of you have already seen it, Our Announcement to the church and world is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AhgVjLbir0s

July 17, 2009: Finding Out!

Finding out that one is pregnant is complicated and never goes as expected. Since Erin and I were not preventing pregnancy, I had assumed something was going to happen. I prepped myself and committed myself to certain actions and emotions. I had promised myself, and secretly my wife, that whenever she told me, in good times or bad, that I would be ecstatic, over-the-top excited. I figure that this woman, any woman, who is pregnant, has had this knowledge in their head all day, excited and nervous. They have to tell their significant other and hope they will be happy because they are secretly very happy but also nervous. They race over all the possible outcomes, emotionally prepared for whatever comes out of their partner's mouth after hearing the news. Women are complex.

For me, the day was Friday, July 17, 2009. I had just come home (1985 Arnold Ave.) from work (Foothill Community Church in Oroville, CA) and was plopping down on our bed. Our bed and bedroom is where we spent most of our time. We didn't have any tv except antenna which meant only about 4 channels so we spent alot of time on the internet. I grabbed my laptop and opened it. The background was set to a picture of a "precious moments" child with big teardrop eyes. The text Erin photoshopped in read, "Will you be my daddy?" At first I didn't get it. Erin, looking at me with great expectation, and I trying to put the puzzle together. Finally it all clicked. With great joy and excitement I exclaimed, "Nuh-uh?" I couldn't believe it was finally happening.

I made Erin tell me the story. Turns out she was as stunned and in disbelief as I was. We had kept some cheap, dollar-store pregnancy test in our house because we have tested before after a view days delayed visit from... well... you know. So Erin used all of them and they all came back positive. I think there were 6. Not trusting the dollar store variety, she went out and bought some expensive ones. They reported the same news. Who knew that pregnancy tests were the great equalizer. Expensive or cheap, they all delivered the same fantastic news We were pregnant! God had brought us a bundle of joy.

I remember lying on the bed holding my wife. Excited but huge rushes of nervousness. I remember thinking that my prayers had been answered. I remember feeling that I was not the man I wanted to be before I had children. I remember feeling completely unprepared for this in that I never even changed one diaper in my entire life. I remember just being in awe at what the future had in store. I remember feeling this gift was fragile and would need protection. I remember not wanting to saying it out loud for fear of jinxing it but wanting to scream it at the top of my lungs so the world would know that I was the most blessed man in existence.

And the problem began... who to tell?

Peace!

The "Up!" and Down of pregnancy!: The Introduction

I have been jonesing to write again and madly in love with my son, Titus, so I thought I would write about him. I almost decided against it because he is already three months but then I thought to myself, he is only three months!

This Blog will be about my journey as a father. As of now, it will not offer advice on parenting, just reporting the Story of Titus.

This entry starts way back. A few weeks before we even knew we were pregnant. You see, Erin (my wife/Titus's mommy) and I weren't necessarily trying to get pregnant but we also weren't preventing it either. We had stopped using birth control and were just going to let whatever happen happen. That was in 2007. For 2 years we "weren't trying but not preventing." We wondered and prayed and worried and assumed. Many times I thought we were just unable to get pregnant. Many times I lamented at the idea that all those people who don't even want children get pregnant all the time, but we can't even get anything. A couple of times I even thought about asking the doctor or making an appointment but I read online somewhere that we would be considered kinda young to worry about it. Either way, the discussion intensified. Would we be able to? Wouldn't it be fun? What is going on? Why isn't it happening?

To make matters worse, we watched the movie "Up!" by Pixar. Erin and I went to Chico to see it in awesome 3D. Anyone who has seen the movie knows that there is an intro to the movie that is just the saddest thing ever. Now imagine, you and your wife are wondering if you will ever be able to have children. If, after two years, if we would become pregnant. If your prayers would be heard. The conversations building with your anxiety, fears, hope and this movies opens with a couple growing up together, getting married, trying and wanting to have children but not being able to. They make a nursery, painting and adjusting. The next scene is them at the doctor's office and she is just crying. The theme music is much slower with emphasis on the minor. The next scene is the wife sitting outside awkwardly all alone with her eyes closed grieving what will never be (and this is supposed to be a kids movie). The husband makes certain promises but doesn't come through. The couple grows old and the wife dies. By the time the wife died, I was in tears. My stomach feeling awful. My face getting red and puffy.

This was our story. "Up!" was released May 29, 2009 and about 6 weeks later we found out that we were pregnant. We were elated. A baby was to be born and getting pregnant was the hard part right? Pregnancy should be smooth sailing, right?

Here is a link to the opening of "Up!": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GroDErHIM_0

The next few post will cover some pregnancy stuff but other than that... we should be caught up!


Peace!